


A Father's Love

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Broken Edge Deleted Extended and Alternate Scenes -- Ben's childhood [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Death of Shara Bey, Evil Snoke, Father-Son Relationship, Feels, Gen, Good Parent Han Solo, Jedi Ben Solo, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Minor Leia Organa/Han Solo, POV Han Solo, Parents Han and Leia, Young Ben, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-01 06:07:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12150273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: The evolution of Han and Ben's relationship as father and son over the years.





	A Father's Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MidgardianNerd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidgardianNerd/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author's Notes: This is for MidgardianNerd. Didn't expect it to get this large or this feelsy, but I hope you like it. The line Han has about Jimmy Nichos is paraphrased from Laurie's comment in Halloween about Lonnie Elamb not graduating the sixth grade.

Baby:

Han thought he's loved before, when Leia made her way into his smuggler's heart, but there's something about this tiny lifeform that's made his heart crack open all but completely, letting this new being all but steal in. It can be exhausting without a doubt; the crying and trying to get little Ben to sleep is a trial, but there's something about Ben eventually falling asleep in his arms, or that little giggle that Ben makes or that huge, toothless smile, that makes it all worth it.

 

Age three:

"Daddy?"

Han, in that moment, feels more rotten than he's ever been. He's definitely had his share of moments when he's felt rotten, but this...seeing his toddler son looking up at him with those practically enormous brown eyes (too much like his mother's), clutching one of his teddy bears, he can feel the rottenness shoot straight through him.

"Yeah, kiddo?"

"I -- I drew you somethin'. So you wouldn't have to be sad."

Ben holds out a picture he's drawn -- as fine as a three year old can draw, at least -- of him, Han and Leia. Leia's got one of her buns there, and she looks happy -- nothing like she does after one of their fights. Poe's in there too, with Shara and Kes, as well as a pink figure that Han doesn't recognize. Han smiles. "Oh. That's really nice. Thank you, Ben."

"You're welcome." Ben looks down. "Are you and Mommy -- "

"No, sweetheart. We're just going through a rough patch." Han squats beside Ben to be more on his level; he's so small and delicate-looking. Kes and Shara actually try to feed him, he's so tiny.

"You shouldn't have rough patches, Daddy."

"They happen. Thing is...it happens in every relationship."

Han just hopes this marriage can actually stay afloat.

 

Age four:

It's on the way home from the Yavin Academy that he starts shouting at Leia. "How could you abandon him like that? He needs us!"

"He needs to learn control."

"Control? You've gotta be kidding me, right? He's just a kriffing kid, for crying out loud!"

"He has Force powers beyond our comprehension -- "

"And the solution's just dumping him at Luke's academy?"

"Luke can help us!" Leia says. "He could do something to help Ben where we couldn't. There's just too much..."

"Too much what?"

"Vader," she says bluntly. "There's too much Vader in him."

"He's four!"

"That's what I'm afraid of," Leia says.

"He wouldn't hurt a flea."

"Not on purpose," Leia says.

And somehow, Han gets the feeling that she's not telling him everything.

 

Age five:

On one of the occasions he gets to see Ben, it's at Shara's funeral, after Shara's passed away from a long illness. At least she's not suffering anymore, Han thinks. Over on the right, Ben's comforting Poe, telling him that Shara's with the Force now. Han hopes so. It really does get him thinking what the afterlife is like -- if there's an afterlife, actually. There can't be just a select few that make it; it just seems unfair. Then again, does anything about the Force make any kriffing sense?

Of course, Han had moments when he thought he was going to die, like the carbon freeze on Bespin, but that's another thing entirely. Either way, he hopes his son's right. That there is an afterlife -- and may Shara not be kriffing sick wherever she is.

It's on the way back that Han asks Ben about it and Ben launches into a long description about blue Force ghosts that watch over beings and offer them guidance. Han has a feeling that wherever Shara is, she'd be a wonderful advisor -- watching over Poe and Ben, making sure they were happy.

 

Age ten:

When Ben gets into a fight with Jimmy Nichos, it's already bad enough, but the clincher comes when Jimmy insults Han.

"My daddy's not a thief!" Ben says.

  
Jimmy scoffs. "Yeah, he is. It's not like he's ever gonna get anywhere. He's a thief, just like his son -- "

Ben leaps at him, and they both scuffle on the floor, rolling about, Ben clawing and biting and doing everything he can to win against this boy who is, honestly, older and stronger and bigger than he is, and yet the Voice is there again, telling him to fight with everything he has --

Uncle Luke pries them apart, and turns to Master Mei. "Master Mei, take Jimmy to the healers. I'll take care of Ben."

Jimmy turns to look at him and smirks, even through a busted lip, before Master Mei escorts him out.

Uncle Luke heals Ben's own cuts and bruises; Ben has to admit there's something comforting about that flow of Force energy over his injuries. Then Uncle Luke speaks. "Ben, you're nearly eleven. You can't go getting in fights with others."

"But Jimmy started it!" Ben says. "He called my daddy a thief!"

"And he's wrong," Uncle Luke says. "But getting into fights isn't going to solve anything. Anger, fear, aggression...they're tools of the Dark Side. Jimmy was in the wrong too, but you shouldn't have risen to the bait."

Ben bites his lip. Already, he can't help but feel ashamed -- Uncle Luke is right; he is nearly eleven, he should know better than this.

It's just not fair. It's not like his daddy's a bad man; he's trying to support Ben and Mommy.

"You're going to run into a lot of Jimmy Nichoses in life, Ben," Uncle Luke says, taking his hand. "The best thing you can do is not let them get to you. You let them get to you, they have power over you. Just remember, Ben. There is no emotion..."

Ben sighs. "There is peace." So why doesn't he feel peaceful?

***

It's while Ben's helping with more repairs on the Falcon that he and Daddy actually get to talk about what happened with Jimmy Nichos.

"So...you had a fight because of me?" Daddy says.

Ben nods, shamefaced.

"It's okay, kiddo. Look...you're very sweet, but you don't have to defend me." Daddy smiles. "Jimmy sounds like he wouldn't graduate middle school where I grew up, honestly."

"That's terrible!"

"Figure of speech, kiddo. But honestly, Jimmy's a jerk. You'll find a lot of them out in this galaxy, unfortunately. Wouldn't be surprised if some of them were in the Senate right now -- again, figure of speech."

"Okay," Ben says.

"And honestly, we're more than extraordinary, we all are. We're Solos; we're amazing. We're tough. And that matters more than what some nerfherder kid decides to say about us."

"I'm not...really tough."

"You're tougher than you think," Daddy says. "And you're amazing. Not just because you're my son, but because you're Ben Solo, plain and simple. And you'll always be amazing."

"Thank you, Daddy."

"No problem." Daddy grins at him. "Now, this baby's fallen a bit out of place. I'm going to teach you how to put her back together again..."

 

Age thirteen:

It’s when Ben is thirteen years old, all gangly limbs and big ears and everything else, that he starts talking about slavery and ending it, and Han doubts he could be prouder of Ben. Of course, he’s Ben’s father; he’ll always be proud of him. There’s nothing that Ben can do to make Han not proud of him, but this...this is amazing.

  
Age twenty:

The way that Ben acts after Thomas’ death, it’s like he thinks it’s his fault somehow. Which it’s not. Han knows it. It’s not Ben’s fault in the slightest. Ben even managed to get in a good swipe at that bastard Lisaris just for good measure. And yet Ben treats it like it’s his fault. Han wishes there was a way to convince him, but for now, the best he can do is just stay by his side and comfort him.

 

  
Disappointment:

Snoke has been teaching him how to draw on his anger. He definitely has his share of experiences that allow him to draw on his anger, the Supreme Leader does -- the pain that he’s endured that makes Kylo Ren’s own look fundamentally insignificant.

And yet he has plenty of anger to draw on, the Supreme Leader says. His anger towards his mother for seeming to fear and hate him with all of her heart, his anger towards his father for his frequent absences.

“Draw on that anger,” the Supreme Leader says. “Feed off it. It gives you fuel, it gives you power. Anger is the fire in which we can truly burn bright.”

And yet all the while, memories tug at Kylo Ren. The Light, trying to trick him again, without a doubt. Han, showing him how to fix the Falcon, playing sabaac together, telling stories about his adventures at the Enclave...

“Those memories will only weaken you,” Snoke says. “Ignore them, Kylo Ren. Forget them. Love and abandonment were so entwined for you that it’s quite the web to untangle, but you must ignore them. Forgetting is necessary. Remembering is the worst thing that you can do, for those memories.”

Kylo Ren forces himself to remember how he felt during the arguments that his parents -- Han and Leia, he reminds himself. They aren’t mother and father, not anymore -- had, how they screamed, how his mother got cutting and his father defensive. The races. The odd smuggling jobs. Plenty more.

He remembers, and it’s like the more positive memories, those of the Light, lose their grip, just for a moment.

Anger, like the Supreme Leader taught him, can be a powerful tool.

 

Death:

Even after Ben stabs Han, Han can’t bring himself to hate his own son. He doubts he ever could, in the end. Even with everything that Ben’s done, he still loves him. He definitely didn't expect Ben to stab him through like that, and like on Takodana, like on the bridge earlier, he feels his heart breaking. That’s what Ben can do to him -- break his heart. The tough guy dissolves, and a broken-hearted father takes his place, a father who still loves his son, one of the good things that happened in a marriage full of good and bad things in equal measure. Not good that he fell, but the stuff before that -- definitely good.

“Thank you,” Ben says, and withdraws his lightsaber from Han.

There’s not much energy in him left, but he can reach up to say goodbye to Ben. Goodbye, because he doesn't know where average folks like him go when they die, but he hopes it will at least be a good one. He reaches up and touches Ben’s face even before he falls.

  
_It’s all right, Ben. No matter what happens, I forgive you. I love you. No matter what happens._

He falls off the bridge then. He doesn't know where he'll be, but perhaps they'll be reunited someday in the afterlife if the afterlife is kind enough. After all they've been through in the land of the living, maybe the afterlife will be where they fully heal.

The Solos, strong, whole. No matter what Snoke does, he can't break them.

They are, after all, made of stronger stuff than he thinks. 


End file.
